Monkey Never Cramps

1) I never stop to pee during a race (peeing off the bike is not stopping).
2) I never ride with my shirt unzipped (we remain bien soignée and aero, yes, also when it's hot).
3) I never cramp during a race (I eat bananas).

Three confident statements that aged pretty bad this on Sunday.

After two years without a 'real' road race, I finally pinned the numbers back on for a proper road race: the Alfa Bier Limburg Trophy. 207 km, up, down, twisty, turning, never really easy. A hard race.
I was looking forward to it. Also a bit nervous. Training tells you a lot, but racing is racing. You cannot fully simulate a 150-man peloton trying to murder each other over every climb and every narrow road.

Before the start we had the usual team talk.
“What are your goals?”
My answer: win. No idea how, but that is the goal. If I start a race, I want to be part of it. Not just survive somewhere in the wheels and call it a day.
The first hour was chaos. I struggled a bit with positioning. Every time you stop fighting for ten seconds, you lose twenty spots, especially on this course where you want to be in front all the time to not miss the winning group. I have done this race 3 times now and at some point a group goes containing at least one rider from most of the continental teams and it's over. You just don't know if that group goes at 20k, 40k or 150k.

I responded to a few early attacks, legs were feeling good, power was there. No one was dropping me, not at this point in the race. However, I also felt that the energy spent on responding and positioning was going to cost me. I had to place my bets and gamble a bit.

And then, I missed the move that mattered. The winning group went in one of the easier climbs, with a headwind section after it. Exactly the kind of moment where you think: nah, this is not it, mid-pack is oke here. Turns out: it wasn't.
Six guys gone. Never saw them again.

Power-wise, I think I could have been there. But that is also part of racing. If you only have enough bullets to respond to an X amount of attacks, and then need to gamble on the quiet moments, at some point you miss the right one. The really strong guys don’t need to gamble as much. They just go again. And again. And again.

#1 I never stop to pee during a race.
So the group went, their teammates did a great job slowing down the peloton on the narrow roads. As the pace slowed down, I had some time to reflect on the state of the body, the legs and the blatter: I had to pee. I thought about skipping it. When the pace pick up again you forget about it. But my teammate called me saying he went to stop for a pee. Well, if you pee, I pee. So I stopped, peed, and then had to rush back into position.
Claim #1 debunked.

#2 I never ride with my shirt unzipped
In that rush, I completely forgot to zip my shirt back up. Garmin analysis says: 30sec stopping time. Enough to pee, not to zip jerseys apparently. There I was, full open jersey, fighting back through the bunch like I was on a mountain stage in July. It took me long to realize. Eventually I looked down like: ah. Yes. Close that.
Serious athlete. Bien soignée. Closed Jersey.
Claim #2 debunked.

After the front group was gone, the race got into this typical rhythm. Flat parts: slow, teams blocking, nobody really committing. Climbs: full gas, riders trying to force a chasing group. A repeating pattern slowly squeezing the legs. Around 110 km in, I noticed my teammate was better than me. And if we wanted to have a tiny tiny chance to get back to the front group which had a 3min lead already, we had to force something now. I did a long lead-out into the climbs, positioned him well, and tried to launch him with a group that could maybe still get across. They got away for a bit. It came back. Then more attacking. Which got the race back to the pattern of blocking, attacking, repeat, but with any real hope of a chase group getting back gone. It was more to ride for a nice stop in the final result.

#3 I never cramp
I felt good but, after about 170 km, the wheels started to come off.
“Cramps. I eat at least 5 bananas per day. The “monkey never cramps” myth is now officially debunked. Monkey very much cramps. Monkey cramps badly.”
The best part? Two minutes before it happened, I got angry at a guy in front of me because he didn’t follow an attack after a climb.
Then I tried to do exactly that myself.
Cramp.
Immediate karma. No jury needed.

From that point on, it was survival. Every time I pushed more than 400, maybe 450 watts, my legs started locking up. So I had to ride every climb like a negotiation. Not too hard. Not too soft.
I finished 25th.
First proper road classic after two years. 207 km. Chaos managed. Legs eventually exploded, but not before I actually raced. I was part of it. I helped the team. I suffered properly.
Can’t complain.
Although maybe, I can complain about the cramps.
And the pee.
And the open jersey.

Kathrin Fuhrer25 days ago

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Haha amazing race report 😆😆 monkeys also don’t cycle for plus 5h🙃😜 great fighting anyway👏😎 Translate

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